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 Just a bit of good humour

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Admin Wendy
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PostSubject: Just a bit of good humour   Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:58 am

I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?


There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.


All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.


And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?

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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:07 am

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

The Alphabet

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?


D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention.

H High blood pressure-We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!


P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have - in OUR minds.

We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.


IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY.
IF NOT, YOUR TURN WILL COME!









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PostSubject: Advantages of living after 40 ... !!!    Fri Mar 04, 2011 11:39 pm

Advantages of living after 40 ... !!!


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true....

Perks of reaching 40 or being over 50 and heading towards 60/70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.


03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.


04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"


05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


07. Things you buy now won't wear out.


08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.


09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.


20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


p.s


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.




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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Mon Aug 20, 2012 11:24 pm

HOW LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD CAME TO BE EATEN

by: Guy Wetmore Carryl (1873-1904)

MOST worthy of praise
Were the virtuous ways
Of Little Red Riding Hood's Ma,
And no one was ever
More cautious and clever
Than Little Red Riding Hood's Pa.
They never mislead,
For they meant what they said,
And would frequently say what they meant:
And the way she should go
They were careful to show,
And the way that they showed her, she went.
For obedience she was effusively thanked,
And for anything else she was carefully spanked.

It thus isn't strange
That Red Riding Hood's range
Of virtues so steadily grew,
That soon she was prizes
Of different sizes,
And golden encomiums, too!
As a general rule
She was head of her school,
And at six was so notably smart
That they gave her a cheque
For reciting, "The Wreck
of the Hesperus," wholly by heart!
And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,
When I add that this money she gave to the poor.

At eleven this lass
Had a Sunday-school class,
At twelve wrote a volume of verse,
At thirteen was yearning
For glory, and learning
To be a professional nurse.
To a glorious height
The young paragon might
Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,
But the following year
Struck her smiling career
With a dull and a sickening thud!
(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,
And must copy my manuscript over again!)

Not dreaming of harm
One day on her arm
A basket she hung. It was filled
With jellies, and ices,
And gruel, and spices,
And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,
And a savory stew,
And a novel or two
She'd persuaded a neighbor to loan,
And a hot-water can,
And a Japanese fan,
And a bottle of eau-de-cologne,
And the rest of the things that your family fill
Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!

She expected to find
Her decrepit but kind
Old Grandmother waiting her call,
But the visage that met her
Completely upset her:
It wasn't familiar at all!
With a whitening cheek
She started to speak,
But her peril she instantly saw: --
Her Grandma had fled,
And she'd tackled instead
Four merciless Paws and a Maw!
When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,
He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood's, too!)

At this terrible tale
Some readers will pale,
And others with horror grow dumb,
And yet it was better,
I fear, he should get her:
Just think what she might have become!
For an infant so keen
Might in future have been
A woman of awful renown,
Who carried on fights
For her feminine rights
As the Mare of an Arkansas town.
She might have continued the crime of her 'teens,
And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!

The Moral: There's nothing much glummer
Than children whose talents appall:
One much prefers those who are dumber,
But as for the paragons small,
If a swallow cannot make a summer
It can bring on a summary fall!

"How Little Red Riding Hood Came to Be Eaten" is reprinted from Grimm Tales Made Gay. Guy Wetmore Carryl. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1902.

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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:02 am

Ive only just seen this Red Riding Hood poem bill and its brilliant, very well put together.

Dont know how i missed this when you posted it but not to worry, it was worth the wait Wink xxx

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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Sat Apr 20, 2013 12:58 pm

So Says the Boss




I'm the boss
You do not cross
The king of my domain
For the day
No work, all play
Is found in my refrain

Love to eat
The prime of meat
So sad 'til I get some
'Tis so sweet
And such a treat
Boy, they can be so dumb

Hate to dress
Give me caress
No bother with the slime
Have to dig
In it real big
Archaeology time

When I'm beat
I have a seat
Take my favorite spot
No compete
It's so complete
Out of my royal cot!

Here to stay
I love to lay
Napping is not a farse
I'm a dog
Who's a couch hog
So move your big fat arse!
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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Sun Apr 21, 2013 11:01 pm

only you bill pmsl, nice one xxx

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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Wed Apr 24, 2013 12:34 pm

-40 degrees Celsius is equal to -40 degrees Fahrenheit.

2 out of 3 adults in the United States have hemorrhoids.

25% of your bones are located in your feet.

35% of the people using personal ads for dating are already married!

'Bimbo' is a brand of soft drink manufactured and marketed by Coca-Cola, Inc.

'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers, in Australia.
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PostSubject: Re: Just a bit of good humour   Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:42 pm

Nice bit of trivia there bill Wink xxx

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